Clean Hands: How God Healed Me From the Inside Out

“God—please hear me. My hands are splitting open, and each crack feels like a burn when I move. The pain sinks into everything I try to do. It is painful to do simple tasks. I can’t even unbuckle my child from his car seat without a sharp, electric burn shooting through my hands. I fold bread dough wondering what my hands are leaving in it.

I have tried everything, Lord. I lather my hands in ointment again and again, and I wear gloves constantly so the eczema won’t worsen. When will it end? Please, Lord. Heal my hands, for I know You can.”

But, my hands didn’t heal. Not with this prayer.

The prayer was real, but it was still bent toward me—aimed at taking the pain so that my life would be more comfortable. No treatment worked, and I tried them all. Anything I did only gave temporary relief. The minute I thought things were healing up, the eczema surged back even stronger than before.

You see, I used to bake a lot of bread. That is, until my life came crashing down.

I started The Sourdough Baker in an effort to support my family. I wanted us to break free from endless work that barely made ends meet. My husband and I were exhausted, completely broke, and we never got to see each other. I thought that I could make a little income on the side posting videos about bread for people that wanted to learn more.

My side “hustle” turned into a full-blown business. At the time, I didn’t know what I was walking into. I became engulfed in even more work, which I couldn’t keep up with. I was baking no less than one loaf of bread a day just to learn about bread, and I was washing my hands often. I had to scrub them to get the bread dough off after kneading. I did this for every loaf of bread I made, and my hands were washed after every fold and every shape. This was on top of doing all my dishes, scrubbing counters, and other household chores that required me to clean my hands.

It was actually two years into The Sourdough Baker that the eczema started. Looking back, I truly believe it was God telling me that I needed to stop. I was pushing on for me and my family instead of for Him and His Glory. The Sourdough Baker was something I thought He approved of, but I think He only blessed it in the moments when I begged. In the end, He caused the circumstances around me to shut it down completely, despite my every effort to push on.

Even after I had to stop placing my time and efforts into The Sourdough Baker, the hand eczema continued. I washed my hands as minimally as I could, lathering them with all kinds of concoctions that were supposed to promote healing—all while still keeping my hands trapped in gloves constantly. None of it worked. I prayed my heart out, asking God to heal my hands, to take the pain away. But He didn’t. Why?

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV

And I wasn’t doing it that way. I wasn’t doing it for His glory. I was so engrossed in my own selfish needs: my lack of money, my lack of time, how overworked I was and how exhausted I was trying to do it all, and also—my pain. I wanted God to take it away for my sake, so that I could feel better, so that I could be healthy, so that my family could be whole.

What part of this was for Him? None. Nothing at all. It was for me. It was for my family. No amount of healing or help from God was going to bring glory to His Name. None of it was going to change the fact that I saw God as a helper in times of trouble—and nothing more. I mean, I knew He was supposed to be more, but, in reality, I didn’t treat Him like it. I called on His Name when I needed something. I was satisfied when He answered, and strained when He didn’t.

After I was forced to take a break from The Sourdough Baker, I went to a Christian-based counseling and Bible study program through my church. Through it, I learned just how far I was from God. Slowly, God began to teach me what it really means to have a relationship with Him. My entire perspective changed, and I realized the fullness of my selfish request for healing.

“God, today, I don’t ask for healing; instead, I ask for a sign. Lord, if you would, bring healing to my hands only when I am in Your Presence. When I am seeking after You and living the life which You have called me to, keep them clean. But, Lord, the moment I stray, when I think more of myself than of You, please, Lord, let them rage with pain. Make them worse than ever, that I may repent and turn back to You. Let my hands be honest—proof that I’m staying close to You.”

The next morning, my hands were clean. To this day, the eczema that once raged has not come back, and I am so very thankful.

At times, I find myself unsure of my own actions and my heart. I think, “God would not approve,” and I look at my hands to see if they are still clean. Then I pray to the Lord, speaking to Him about my insecurity, asking for forgiveness and for His help and wisdom. I think that’s the only way to live—doing even pain to the glory of God.